Civil War

My last blog was June. Man, I really had planned on doing a better job at being a blogger. Well, I guess that just leaves enough room for more improvement in 2011.

I think myself is the biggest reason why I committed blog fail. I said it would be bare mentality but then casually refused to express the barest moments/thoughts. I think that's what I envy about some people...that they're not afraid for someone to see a certain side of them-whether it's a good or less than flattering one. That they push beyond the odds that someone might misconstrue your thoughts and actions. That you may be perceived incorrectly for that one glimpse of yourself. Rather they trade in that uncertainty for the possibility that people may either be driven to see all the other sides or

even, just maybe, understand.

Civil War

: a war between opposing groups of citizens of the same country: a war between factions or regions of the same country
: a state of hostility or conflict between elements within an organization

All war is heartbreaking. Lives are lost in the seemingly inevitable battle for the greater good and lesser evil. Civil war, seems to me to be the hardest to prepare for and the toughest to right in the end. I've never taken up arms against another country or group for our country. But I have waged war,

...with myself.

When we look at our adversary or opponent head on, we can see their face, their stance, and if we're attentive and skilled enough, their intent or plan of attack.

Unfortunately simply looking in an actual mirror doesn't really cut it.

Civil Wars aren't fought using telescopes. The conflict is within, against that which was once aligned. Both sides know the lay of the land and it's who gains the foothold of the natural resources. Now, as twisted as it seems, each side is feeding off the fear that other will win and thus be left quenched.

There seems to not be enough room for both factions to flourish, both voices to be heard and both motives to intend. The fight then moves to whether there should be peace or prosecution: captives or casualties.

Does that part of me need to be put to death or  or made captive?

Fighting civil wars can seem to isolate us. It is a contention between the fibers of our beings. It is a struggle that must be resolved on the homefront. As comforting as reinforcements sound, you are in the middle of it all, you are on the frontlines, and if you are to be truly victorious, you must be able to make the call in the midst of the battle-or else, then what happens when they leave?

Sometimes I can see redcoats and blue coats eyeing each other. Tension building and weapons being disbursed. I can smell bridges burning. I begin to gather bandages. Sometimes I wonder, if land could feel, if this is what America felt like beneath their feet.

Moving forward. Passing complacency and refusing discontentment. Denying giving up and loosening the grip that's holding on.

I will never be that perfect beautiful trophy woman who has it all together, but I also won't

I've won a lot of battles this year. A few of those prizes were counterfeits. There were times when I lost track of time and yet there were those when I counted every second. It's time to stop wearing fronts like sweaters. The heat from the battle is rising and the wise thing to do is wear the armor that suits the war.

Thank Yous

I was watching a talk show and they always end with a "feel good moment of the day" video. Today's was a little boy receiving a sweet bike from his parents.







I couldn't help but think as I watched it, how many times I ran to the gift before the giver. I imagine my parents were pleased to know how excited I was to receive presents from them, but I wish I could go back in time and thank them 1st before I grabbed at the toy, money, gift-whatever.
I also thought about how I can be like that spiritually. I hope and pray for something so fervently, and then when the time is right, I am so overwhelmed with happiness and excitement that I run to the gift and clutch it. What about the one who was so gracious to give? What about my provider, the true Giver of all that I have or could ever need? I really do hope that in the future I don't reflect on my life and realize that I only looked at my blessings with hollow ardency. May we all remember to run to the giver before the gift. May we all run to source before the supply.

Today was a day just like any other...

Today, was a day just like any other....almost. *Love J's M btw-check em out if you haven't*

I woke up to the soft *click vmmm vmmm* that my phone makes when I get a Twitter. I mean it has to get it's own text tone because I get a little disappointed when I reach for my phone to read a text and it's just an update. Though people's are usually either funny or informative, it can never beat a sincere one on one text.

Anyway, then almost instantly after, I got another (non-twitter) text. I was needed to help a friend with a video shoot. They were in need of a girl to play Juliet in a 80's remake of Romeo and Juliet. I'll save you the details which would only amuse me. Although, can I say that black boots and tights with a bright sweater and tank are not my thing, it was kinda fun to dress up and look silly. I still feel like my face needs more washing after all that makeup though.

It was fun to say the least. As insignificant as it sounds to help out a friend for a video shoot, I enjoyed every minute of being a character and filming. It was a small moment out of my day, but I needed it. He knew I needed it.

I got to see some friends, laugh some, and ponder. :) I do a lot of that lately. Also, high five to me, I've been doing better at battling the BMI. I've maintained eating better and I'm doing better at consistently working out. Man, yoga can whip your butt more than you'd think. It's tough stuff. You'd think it's just for hippies but I find it can sometimes be harder than making myself take on the treadmill.

This was boring, that's okay though. I'm sure there are more exciting stories on their way...

Adventures in the Unconscious

Last night there was an attempt on my life by a certain......Mr. Ashton Kutcher. I was living a life on the run. I was at some type of a convention center when I felt uneasy. I heard someone tell me to "Go, run." I took off to somewhere I've never been before, but Dream Mel didn't skip a beat. I ran out of that building into some woods. Jumping over fallen trunks and landing in deep soft craters only to climb up out of them at an unhuman speed. I looked over my shoulder and I could see him pointing a gun at my back but he missed due to his clumsiness as he tried to follow me over the tree roots. (Guess Dream Ashton needed to work out more with Demi) Anyway, I came out of the woods and there once again was a building-only it was my house back in Alaska. I ran inside and locked all the doors. Silence I turned around and there was my father and mother. It was so good to see them. Dream Mel hadn't been home for years I guess. I told them to stay below the window line and not to say a word. Mr. Kutcher was no where to be seen. I quickly went to the bedroom and grabbed all the guns hidden on the top shelf of my parent's closet. (My parents have 1 in real life to my knowledge) I have no idea how to load or shoot a gun but Dream Mel had 6 at her disposal in a matter of minutes. I hurried back to the living room where my parents were on the floor. Just as I got back I heard this loud engine rumble outside. A huge orange and red bus with Indian writing on the outside drove past our driveway driven by.....Ashton. He almost passed us up except he noticed the sign outside that read plainly, "The Vasilies" (nice move mom and dad) The bus came to a halt and out poured all of these people onto the lawn. They assembled with no guns or other obvious weapons. Mr. Kutcher stepped out of the bus, gun in hand. I knew that he had to have more hiding cause I knew I did. He held up the gun and pointed it directly at me in the window through the crowd. I figured it'd be safer for my parents if I went outside. Also, Dream Mel wasn't scared in the least-only adrenaline infused. I walked out and with him still focusing his aim, I decided I'd get to him after the crowd of people that separated me from this imaginary adversary. A few ran at me and I proceeded to walk slowly toward my foe weapons engaged.......I woke up to the garbage truck loudly emptying the dumpster. Man, Dream Mel went BD.

Unapologetic

Gonna have some reflection time. Gonna have some Jesus time.

A Bridge Beyond The Burning

Looking across the ravine to the other side. My toes curl around the edge of the ground where once a bridge joined the two sides. Now a scar of ashes is laid like ribbon. Loosely binding each eroded bank to the other.
I thought I was building up strength to jump it. I sought to leap over the grave I dug my self. The seemingly irrevocable charring.

Now I know that I will not jump it. I will not fly to the other side. As the ravine fills again with water, the ashes begin to wash away. I wanted to dip my feet into the rushing change as a sort of ode to the only remanents of that beautiful bridge that took so long to be built.

I look to other side I knew so well. The water begins to run clear. I will not get there by jumping. I will not get there by flying to the other side.

I may have to get down into the ravine every now and then, I might get soaked to the core. It will take every ounce of strength and patience but it will be worth it to be reunited properly. That bridge was burned. The tie between the banks could never be. The banks will flourish apart and in time a new blueprint will be followed in the next construction. I'll help put that bridge back together. I'll cross over it time and time again like before. Only this time I'll do my best to leave the matches where they belong.

Wrote this earlier this evening @ a worship night.

I'm sitting here by myself waiting for the lights to grow dim. Dim enough where I can forget. Truly forget the cracks that traced the inmost corners of my mind. I am here. I am here. I do not apologize to anyone anymore for this. I owe my tears and fears to one. I've made my peace with You. I have no more regrets. I can't. I've lived. I've loved. I've ran. I've not known which path to take. I've laughed. I won't take it back. Maybe I wasn't fully prepared to become the transparent breakable glass figure that I did-but for a moment I truly saw myself. This time is for You. For giving me the fire and passion to run, walk, and stumble even, in hopes of knowing You more. In hopes of knowing what I'm made of. I will not be written off. I will not be left amongst the doubting rubble. I will walk from the wreckage. Even if it is me who grows restless seemingly without peace and that hope dwindles...I know...I believe that You will be my strength and portion forever.

So the song "How He loves Us" sometimes makes me feel weird when they talk about heaven meeting earth like a kiss. (They either say passionate kiss or unforeseen kiss-depending on the church) Sometimes I feel selfish for taking that much time to sing about how He loves me. How he lavishes me with love and adoration. To be completely honest sometimes I just sing how I love Him. I mean we're the inconsistent ones right?

Anyway I'm not gonna dwell anymore on whether the song is easy to sing or not. In fact, I've become more aware about how much of a choice it is-especially for non-new Christians-to not just sit back and disregard things we don't agree with. True, we shouldn't accept everything we hear as fact or "words from the Lord," but I think if we are mature enough we can use our brains to come to the conclusion that maybe in our disagreement we can study and seek that much more intently to discover what is true. So as I was sitting there, just so inundated with the feeling of being bare before God, the lyrics unfolded not only on the screen but also in the mind of this silly 23 yr old "I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way He loves us." Thanks for being great, Lord. Thank you for being so good. Thank you for being life and breath to us. Of You I am sure.

The End of Pretend.

It's that feeling. The feeling you get when you come to a wall that you thought you saw at least a quarter of a mile back. Like you were jogging, breathing in the fresh air and then...bam. Your ankle gives in and bends in the slightest twist. You're fine, but you've come to a complete stop. You know you can't walk. You know you can't run. You do that little odd hop until you stop again. Exhale.

Why do so many things matter? Why do they request attention. Last night, I was awake into the wee hours of the morning because of some Dr. Pepper and talk of dreams. Tonight, it's the floor of my stomach falling out. Here it is, bare honesty. There's a sort of frustration that comes with the inability to be angry. The inability to be where you want. On the bad days, it's the sting of watching a part of you decay.

On the good days it's the gasp for breath that you've been longing for. It's the break in your bones that reminds you you're alive. Screaming helps. It makes you aware of what's inside you. It can even make you laugh if you don't recognize yourself.

Scars. The open wound isn't there but life's paintbrush makes sure we don't forget the stroke. Sometimes they're worn like a medal...sometimes like a chain. Scar tissue guards our flesh against where it was previously torn. It can be a protection. Sometimes I'm scared that we...that I'll confuse them for callouses. Friends, as much as it gets under my skin, I hope I never get to that place of desensitization. I'll do my best to keep that thought at bay. So Conan, thanks for the advice. I don't like cynicism either, especially from myself. :I

Tomorrow is a new day. Not every day is easy, but every day He deserves my praise.

Start from Scratch-That's All I have

I probably should pick one topic to reflect on, but oh well.

A few thoughts I've been mulling over the last few days:

• Mad Hope
  
• My "legacy"
• Melody and harmony
• 2010 sing along
  

Mad Hope
Almost every day I wake up, I ask myself, "Are you crazy? You must be mad to be where you are." I may sound like a schizo but, I reply, "No, I'm hopeful. Sometimes it feels like I might be losing my mind, but I woke up, so that means I'm not done with this yet."

"We'll wait below to hear your words
those that come softly after the rain.
It's those I can trust, because you've made me wait
and listen once again."

I wrote that today when it was just starting to pour. I couldn't help but realize that it had been raining a while before I actually noticed enough to look outside. As I turned off the TV and shut my laptop, I listened to the rhythm of the raindrops. They grew louder and louder-not because it was raining harder than before, but because I set aside my distractions and LISTENED. I hung on every drip drop like the sky was giving a most intriguing lecture. I couldn't help but think, how much God's voice is like that rain to me. I had to listen softly and intently for me to recognize the sound of the raindrops. It may not be my fear anymore that He'll show the way, but more so that I'll step over it in pursuit of that very same path. So as I closed my eyes and took in the beat of the weather, I slowly heard the time between drops dwindle. Drip...drop....drip...........drop.....................drip.................................drop.....done. Then all was silent. It was then that I actually began to hear.

2. My "Legacy"

So, the last couple Sundays at church have been focused on the idea of how we will evaluate our life when we find ourselves out of tomorrows. Even more importantly, what will live on when we have no more breath. What will continue to grow and flourish once our bodies begin to decay? I've been trying to think of what I hope my legacy would look like. I've tried to list out what I pray people would say at my funeral. My day is coming at a pace that I could never know-near or far. Do I care that there will probably be many days after my last? What will I have to show for the breath and flesh that the Lord gave me?

-I hope to be remembered as someone who didn't base her character off of circumstance. Some of these things I want to leave behind are kinda silly and some are kinda serious. I'll start with the not so serious sounding ones.


-I wanna teach my son that it's not cool to pull girls' hair clips out*
-my daughter how to wisk like a pro when cooking*
-my kids how to say ma'am and miss at the appropriate time (young women are miss :) ) *
-it's important to say what you mean when you mean it
-you never have to be afraid to dance
-take pictures (not because memories need it but we can't plug in our minds to monitors...yet)
-there are ways to not put on makeup
-share
-stand up for yourself
-Love despite
-there's fun in having an eye for adventure
-you find a lot when you look outside the box
-there are pros to being short and etiquette for being tall
-be helpful
-sometimes you have to be protective
-there is a value that texture has (always go for the softest)
-there is no joy like making someone laugh
-tattoos are addicting
-shoes are wonderful (even when you change sizes of clothing, your shoes still stick by you)
-don't stop the music
-quiet alone time is good (it'll be harder to find as you get older)
-don't pay for art if you can make it yourself
-creating a secret code language isn't necessarily nerdy

*These are in the event that I do have children someday.

More serious sounding ones:

"When I think about what Mel taught me, I think about..."

Compassion, decency, respect for others.

How to hope for the unseen and the faith to move forward when that hope is dwindling.

That forgiveness is possible, it is not out of my hands.

Life is a constant investment. In me, in others.
Passion when directed in the right place can fuel the tired and strengthen in the fight for our future.
Dedication, means shooting for 100% till I'm dead.
Loyalty, friendship, and commitment is more important when showing love than any hollow promise or monetary display.
Dealing with pain is part of living. It's the decision to continue living that is key.
Our words can fade and fall off the pages, but His Word refuses to pass away.
Don't be afraid to try new things-you never know yourself as well as you think.
People are valuable and shouldn't be seen as a profit or a means to an end.

Now I know that I'm no where close to being in a place where people can say all these things about me, or that I'm pouring these principles into others as much as I'd like to-I'm working on it, I'm growing. I don't want people to think of these things when I'm gone because I want the praise. I mean, I'll be dead, what am I gonna do with people's kind words? Haha, I'll have no use for a banner or giant cake when I'm gone. "It doesn't matter if I was a 'pastor' but more so if I was a servant." None of us are here for our own affirmation-that's a human thirst that cannot be quenched if we aim to. It's for His honor and glory.

3. Melody and Harmony

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be able to sing. Of course everyone can "sing," but I'm talking about reeeeaaalllly singing. The kind where it inspired others to create, dance, or just live. I can match someone's pitch and find the note that complements it but that's it. If you'd asked me when I was younger if I'd rather have a superpower or the ability to sing a melody like an angel-I'd pass up that super strength or speed for flawless vocal performance. As I've grown up, the secret wish to sound like Adele, Brooke Fraser, or Bethany Dillon hasn't left but I've learned my place in the music. I wanted to be the person who was the melody. I wanted to jam to my own song-be the lead in everything. Newsflash: I'm never gonna be the melody. I was born to be the harmony. I can add to, I can complement. Just a light bulb turning on for me. I'm finding the beauty in the sweet sound of melody and harmony coming together to make something bigger than myself.


4. 2010 Sing-A-Long

I like to think I like decent music. Some songs and lyrics that really stick with me recently:

"Now I'm alive and my ghosts are gone. I've shed all the pain I've been holding on. What don't kill a heart only makes it strong."-The End Where I begin by The Script

"This time, I'll be sailing. No more bailing boats for me. I'll be out there on the sea. Just my confidence and me. And I'll be awful sometimes. Weakened to my knees. But I'll learn to get by on little victories."-Little Victories by Matt Nathanson

"This is my renaissance. This is my one response. This is the way I say I love you. This is my second chance. This is my one romance. This is the cutting line. On which I stand to show you...Through the ash, siren screams and red beams I hear you sing softly to me: I can be the wall when you fall down. Find me on the rocks when you break down. I heard it in the song when you call out, but I got to say now it's got to change. This is my broken heart. This is my bleeding start. This is the way I've come to know you. This is my winding road. This is my way back home. This is the narrow door you know that I will walk through." Renaissance by Mat Kearney

"Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet. Toward home, a land that I've never seen. I am changing, less and less asleep. Made of different stuff than when I began and I have sensed it all along. Fast approaching is the day."-Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser

"I will not take my love away. When praises cease and seasons change. While the whole world turns the other way. I will not take my love away. I will not leave you all alone. When striving leads you far from home and there's no yield for what you've sown. I will not leave you all alone
I will give you what you need-In plenty or in poverty. Forever, always, look to me and I will give you what you need." I Will Not Take My Love Away by Matt Wertz

So this blog has basically been a ramble. If you made it to the end, kudos. :) I'll try and keep it short next time...maybe.

A Little Wisdom for 2010 from Euphegenia Doubtfire

So today I woke up around 6am-washed a load of laundry, tidied up my room, took out trash, visited briefly with my sweet apartment-mate. Then I made some yummy breakfast, had a cup of coffee and just listened to Jesus for a bit after I read.

*FAST FORWARD* (not flashforward-I wish!)

At work I realized that when I get bored or have nothing productive to do for the moment, I snap. Not like cool jazz snapping, or hip rhythmic beat snapping...more like on the way to a musical brawl snapping. I can't seem to curb it-for now at least. I'm sure it'll either pass or die down. All last summer I couldn't get Smoke On The Water out of my head. SERIOUSLY, for like 4-5 months.

*FAST FORWARD*

Break time. What is on the tv in the hub (name for the breakroom @BB) you say???? Only one of my fav movies ever.....MRS. DOUBTFIRE. As I sat and watched it, I realized this character has some little tips for us this year. Here they are:

1. Don't compromise your morals, despite the voices around you.


2. Don't try to be someone you're not-people don't want a faker.


3. If you play with fire, you're gonna get burned...and it'll smell like rubber.


4. "Honesty is the best policy" should sometimes leave room for "Use discretion."


5. Get fit. Take care of yourself, but don't let it get you down.


6. Shut the bathroom door...and lock it.


7. Don't let your work consume you.


8. Carpe Dentum.


9. Revenge can be deadly. Leave it for the Big Man.


10. Be careful in the pursuit of your dreams, you never know when it's their time to come true.


*Bonus: Final thought*
Family is a broad definition.




Dude looks like a lady, but she's...uh, he's...got some good points...and mad rapping skills.

-Mel

Arrival

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce: '10 Mel.

• A disclaimer. I thought to name my blog Bare Mentality because I plan to write in such a manner as to not necessarily worry about who is reading it or what they will think of my thoughts. So, if you don't want to know what goes on in my middle earth of a mind or can't stand to see commas overused-this might not be a book you'll want to crack open. However, another disclaimer, I do enjoy reading people's comments and getting feedback. In saying that, please don't feel compelled to affirm, unless you want to :) . This blog should be without fillers, falsehoods, and fake coverings. In case you need a recap: it should be bare.

As my 1st blog on this site, I wanted to reflect on my past little Bloggits (those residing on MS &FB). Here are some highlights as to who I've been, become, and probably an insight as to where I'm headed.

"I'm 20. I can no longer blame my age for my incessant goofiness."

"I hear music all the time"

"Like threads intertwined by the thousands, not one could be removed without unraveling..."

"I love you always, forever, and through anything."

"Your wings will only weigh you down, until you take them to the sky"

"I love being aware of a beautiful moment, when you are in it"

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. " ~Edward Everett Hale

"To you, the people who make me who I am and more than I was...you've made me grow, laugh like no other, and have given me hope for my dreams. I feel sorry for the people who will never know my BFFs. There are actually some people who will never get a chance to talk, laugh, and hang out with the greatest people ever to be known."

"The finer things club doesn't have to be just for books and mini-sandwiches...."

"-If you appreciate someone, please tell them
-Decide now what your life will stand for
-Decide now what you want your life to leave behind
-Choose to create...you're His creation, don't break people down
-Honor what God has given you: time, talents and PEOPLE are precious
-Not when, but HOW will you minister
-Love all His people "with a heart wide open" especially the weary, the ones in need of hope....it's dangerous, long and unpredictable...so put on your running shoes"

"...even after the days I said, "It's too late, it's too far, it's too great"

"I will not marry a crab fisherman"

"I believe ULTIMATE is better than any other sport or physical activity....other than dancing of course"

"I want to help you make the mess"

"I realized my ambition was a lazy way out of being adventuresome..."

"...we are called the Alpha Females"

"My art is coming back"

"Not every day is easy, but every day is a new day, and EVERY day He deserves our praise."

"I would rather eat brussell sprouts and a lot of other gross foods before I'd eat cucumbers."

"When I was younger I would mute the Academy Award winners' speeches on tv and insert my own, then un-pause for the applause"

"I have a secret written language. I am fluent"

"I'm less transparent than I thought"

"The south has made me a 'hugger'"

"...and in the those times when Your guiding voice is soft,
Together again from the wreckage we’ll walk."

"ONE thing that he could possess today. His strengthened faith and belief in our Blessed and Holy God. That was the only fiber of his being that could not be stripped away"

"if this were lost and all I had was you - I would be rich and have the greatest good"~*not me:)

So, these were just little glimpses into the past two volumes of my life. Here's to Volume III.

~Mel